I Faked It…

To be honest….or not! Women don’t speak on it much or they just lie about it, I mean it’s not like he will notice right? There is a huge percentage of women who have never experienced an orgasm. There are lots of studies out there regarding this matter one in which I found that 68 percent of women admitted to faking an orgasm with their partner at some point, compared to just 27 percent of men. Unfortunately so, women get embarrassed to speak on the matter for numerous reasons. Insecurities, bad experiences, sexual related trauma or just simply not knowing her g-spot. It still surprises me how many women believe orgasms should just happen, more or less without effort, just through clitoral stimulation. There was a time in my life when I thought the same thing. Had no idea there was such a thing after just the arousal participation. Shrug.

Image by Unsplash

Most of the time we have a hard time turning off the brain and turning on “the power of the P”. Thoughts can be very distracting, in terms like self monitoring. Ever had a moment where your mind just wasn’t there, you’re thinking about the next bill, the laundry or what to eat for dinner? You self consciously think is my body sexy? ” What if I’m not wet enough?” “Am I suppose to moan or talk dirty?” We get in our own way of the full experience because we just can’t shut the brain off. I don’t know about you ladies but I have once fallen victim to just focusing on pleasing my partner not getting the pleasure in return. Sometimes that’s okay…(I just laughed so hard) scratch that all lies!!! It’s not okay, girl get yours too why can’t you also enjoy the bliss of satisfaction with the person you love? Women deal with a lot of insecurities, we tend to get self centered about our bodies. Becoming that vulnerable with your partner can put on this pressure that men would just never understand. Speaking about our bodies, us average everyday women tend to get compared to instagram bodies all the time. Our bodies go through so many hormone changes like when our cycle is near we get emotional or irritated. Also think about childbirth, different types of discharge, keeping up with your PH balance, side effects of birth control these are the kind of things that really affect our bodies and can throw it off balance. Too embarrassed or unsure of ourselves, we avoid letting our male partners know he has failed us to orgasm. I just feel like they will agree to understand but really we know it’s too much for them to grasp.

Many women want to feel deeply connected during sex (who doesn’t?!) but we tend to focus too much on technique — when are we able to just release? How do you surrender and orgasm?  

Image by Google

Intimacy and having an emotional connection with your partner has a part in the pleasure of feeling orgasms. Without some sort of connection it’s like having sex with some strange guy and you are left feeling used, vulnerable and taken for granted. Of course physical attraction is a must, understanding one another and having an honest friendship. Have an open conversations about if a certain position hurts or “the one” to get you there. I say it’s in how you say it rather than not say it at all. I can admit to not saying anything before, unfortunately it never changed because there was no conversation with my partner. Sex starts to feel like routine and as women without arousal and stimulation we will begin to feel stuck. 

So much of the disconnection that arises during intimacy can be traced down to a pressure to perform or achieve something. Whether that is having an orgasm, trying to look a certain way or being perceived as a gifted lover, it distracts from the sacredness and beauty of the present moment. It’s so many other things I want to discuss on this topic… but my time is cut short and we will return on this topic at a later time. 

Laugh, Live, and Love on each other… don’t forget to have an orgasm too!

Big Girl Status

It’s been 7 years yet it still feels like yesterday…

“Hey Chief, ya’ll still coming to the hockey game on Friday? We got the tickets so we can meet ya’ll there”

Our last conversation was about hockey, him becoming a father to twins, the debate he had with my husband earlier that day and how his nephew was doing in school. I waited on his phone call that evening to let me know what was up but I got nothing and it was okay because me and hubby took a stroll on the beach instead. Next morning I was enjoying a good scalp massage and deep conditioner treatment. However while under the dryer……….I get a call from my sister in law Steph.

I wouldn’t say my heart dropped when the phone rung but I did have this tightened stomach yet butterfly feeling. Gasping for air while asking my sister “where is my brother? Is he okay? What hospital is he in?” She softly just advised he was in a car accident and I come to their house. However that’s when I let out this big scream!! I was hitting stuff in the salon while pacing back and forth while disoriented but, I just knew he was gone. I even tried calling his cellphone a few times. I called my dad trying to stay calm and not too alarmed because he was in his truck driving, I couldn’t put this kind of sorrow on him but I had to let him know Chief had been in a car accident. I cried but was still in denial. On the car ride to their house I told myself I’m going to fuss at him for scaring me like this. Maybe….Just maybe a broken leg, arm or even (I hate to admit this but) paralyzed. I was so numb to the gut feeling of losing my brother, I felt once I accepted my new reality it would just make it all real and unbearable.

Arriving at my brother and sister’s house, I saw everyone there and I just remember bursting in tears and trying to make my way in the house cause I just knew this was a sick ass joke. I can still hear his loud laugh and see his beautiful smile all the while his embracing big arms covered my entire face (I missed these the most) which I call “bear hugs”. Okay so he wasn’t in the living room or kitchen so I figured he had to be in his favorite room (where I use to sleep) and playing his game. Standing at the doorway, the room was just still. I mean no music playing loud and no yelling at the t.v. It was just silent and chilled. I burst into tears and cried out loud as I felt my life was over in that moment. I wasn’t prepared for this. No one is every prepared to lose a loved one but this was my brother! I couldn’t function clearly but my body moved, hugging loved ones reassuring others as we all wailed in unisons.

Anyone who lost a brother or sister could relate in some way but this was my lost and I felt as if no one knew my pain. I didn’t want to hear “my condolences” “my prayers are with you and your family” or even “now you have an angel watching over you”. Someone I shared my identity with as far as history and knowing each other through the years was gone. So who was I without my brother? I just wanted to see and hug my brother again. I have relived that very day over and over again in my head. I remember being angry with the man above because he took one of the closest people to me.

Since then I have not questioned God nor blamed him for taking one of his children back home. Now I try to look at pictures of him and smile of the great memories we have shared. It still hurts as if it was that same very dark day but it’s become easier in the sense of living through the brightest joys he has left us (the twins). We try to keep his name in the present while screaming “Big Boi Status” every chance we get. It may seem strange but he & my (still living) sister were the closest form of life I had to my mother (which I had never gotten to know). So when he was gone I was left feeling the same way…abandoned. It took me a few years to get over that feeling yet I still have minor moments. My boys and my wonderful husband help remind me everyday life is short and we have to continue to love on one another and stick together no matter what. Make great memories together because you never know when it’s your time. Also remember grieving is always in your own time as some grieve longer than others and that’s okay.

I hope by me sharing my story I’ve touched someone who might be going through the same thing and wondering what’s next. All I can say is do what is best for you in your grieving moments but don’t ignore that you are grieving and you do have feelings. Express them without violence and be surrounded by those closest to you for support. If anyone have questions or want to talk more just hit me up via email or Facebook. Thank you and until next time take a selfie and sip on something you like!